Drug testing and the chain of custody

Warning: this blog alludes to a certain bodily function.  Sensitive readers should skip it.

I had a new experience today.  I thought I'd share my thoughts with you.  I dare say that David Sedaris (whom we shall be seeing live in a month or so) could make this experience incredibly humorous – meanwhile, I'll simply try to keep your interest to the end.

I reported to the testing facility in Lowell this morning for the drug test required by my about-to-be new employer, just a couple of blocks along Route 38 from I-495.  After waiting less than five minutes, I identified myself with my driver's license, and was asked to empty my pockets into a lock box (it was never locked as far as I can tell).  The lab technician then handed me a sample container, pointed to the line that I was required to fill to and shown the bathroom.   "I have to turn the water off while you're in there, so you won't be able to wash your hands," she said.  "Oh, and don't flush or we'll have to start all over again."  That sounded ominous.  I knew there was no way I would be able to produce two samples.

In I went, blessing the accident of nature that gave me a Y chromosome and prepared to perform my duty.  Do other people find this as tricky as I do?  I don't usually have any problems but somehow when you're required to produce a certain amount into a container, the brain goes into a kind of mini-rebellion.  It's similar to the experience we men sometimes suffer when flow is just about to begin and another guy comes and stands at the next urinal.  The entire waterworks can so easily be shut off at that instant.  "Let your mind go blank," I told myself.  It did the trick.

So, I went out and handed her the container and she flipped a switch and said "OK, you can go back in, wash your hands and flush."  But not in that order, I thought to myself.  She didn't go in for an inspection, so if I had put something in the loo, she wouldn't have known anything about it.  But what kind of thing might I drop in?  If I'd smuggled in a phial of pure stuff, wouldn't I just put it back in my pocket on the way out?  She never actually checked my pockets before or after.

I closed the bathroom door when I went back in (I'm not sure why) and I cleaned up.  I went back out and she started on the paperwork.  A sample container which certainly looked like mine (it was filled to the exact same level) was sitting on the counter.  I signed to the effect that she was now sealing it up in my presence (the "chain of custody"), took my copy and bade her adieu.  It was all over remarkably quickly.

But can I be sure that the container that is now about to be processed in my name is really mine?  Could she have substituted another while I was washing my hands and flushing?  I'm not sure just what incentive she might have to make the substitution but, still, it does seem to be a weak point in the process.  I suppose they think that I'm more likely to want to do the old switcheroo than the lab technician.

Meanwhile, they're also doing a "background check".  Who knows what might turn up there!  So, I decided to pay for my own background check.  I'm sure that my employer's agent will be much more thorough but still I was curious to see what information about yours truly can be bought for a mere $35.  Perhaps I should hire Kim's cousin Julia to do a more thorough preemptive check.  I did discover some interesting stuff.  Did you know for instance, that I had lived in Pasadena, CA?  Neither did I.  But somebody who until recently had the same name as me did live there and it shows up in my record.
I'm not on any FBI (or equivalent) lists.  But there are a couple of bankruptcies associated with my first and last name.  Fortunately, the middle part of the name is different and they're in states that I've never lived in.  I do hope that whoever evaluates the check on behalf of my new employer isn't going to be fazed by any of this.

So, when you see in this blog that I am actually starting my job, you will know that I have passed these two tests.  I'm looking forward to it very much!